Cue the shiny objects

As Bush and his Republican cronies, some of whom purport to be "true" (which once, long, long ago used to mean fiscal) conservatives, try to explain how they're going to pay for Katrina, Medicare reform, Rita, tax cuts, Social Security reform, Iraq and Afghanistan (and Iran? or is it Syria now?), AIDS relief in Africa, increased funding for No Child Left Behind, and something about going to Mars all at the same time, they have seized upon that well-worn Reagan chestnut -- eliminating waste, fraud, and abuse -- as their panacea.

Once again, I say-I say ONCE AGAIN, this is nothing but classic Republican misdirection, a strategy they use relentlessly, but apparently with Main Stream Media (MSM) impunity, to divert attention away from real issues by throwing up more red herrings than a hungover penguin with an ulcer.

So they want to trim the fat do they? Well answer me this: after controlling both houses of congress since 2003 and the presidency since 2001, why hasn't that waste, fraud, and abuse been rooted out already? In fact, not only why hasn't it been rooted out, why has federal spending ballooned exponentially since Bush took office, AND just in the last three months, why has Congress passed two massive spending bills -- the Transportation bill and the Energy bill -- that are universally acknowledged to be rife with pet projects, earmarks, and fat, cracklin' pork?

In fact, according to a study by the Citizens Against Government Waste (a warm, sheltering, supportive, non-profit front behind which small-government conservatives and big business executives can band together against the oppressive forces of the public good and do some bathtub drowning of this here runaway federal government), "in the years since the 2003 budget was introduced, pork-barrel spending has climbed from $20.1 billion to $27.3 billion, with the number of earmarked projects rising from 8,341 to 13,999."

Remember folks, this is on the conservatives' watch. This taxpayer-funded, special-interest-focused, free-for-all spending spree is happening not in spite of Republicans' best efforts, but because of their best efforts. They are flat-out bullshit hypocrites that yap about fiscal responsibility and tax-and-spend democrats and eliminating waste, and bitch about how the government is wasting money trying to protect the environment from unconscienable corporate polluting (which they assure everyone could be more effectively done through the efficiency of industry self-regulation) and poor people are just getting too much of "your" money, all the while greasing the skids for their corporate and special interest buddies to make billions -- their real constituencies, by the way -- and making a little political hay for themselves by bringing some trickle-down into their home districts.

And as they're harumph-humphing around the floors of the House and the Senate (Hey! I didn't get a harumph out of that guy!), pompously yammering on about freedom and opportunity and freedom and liberty and strengthening and building and the future and, and, the children, and [Senator, pause gravely here, wait, wait, wait for it, now: tremble the lips a little bit, clear the throat, grab the lectern with both hands and look directly into the cameras and . . .] the grandchildren (and the crowd goes wild), the hope is that everybody will forget that these same political blowhards that are trying so hard to seem genuine in their outrage are the ones that knowlingly and willingly caused the problems that they are now so upset about.

Now misdirection doesn't work unless you have a patsy, or a demagogue , or, with the public's current attention span and level of interest, any shiny object that refocuses public attention away from the dudes in the three-piece jumpsuits that are "gathering" stacks of cash right off the back loading dock of the US Treasury.

Only because Katrina and Rita have brought "unforseen" pressures on the federal bankroll, is congress being forced to publicly scramble for cash. Everybody, and I mean EVERY-FREAKIN'-BODY, and that means the politicians (of both parties), the special interests, the media, and the public, knew that with all the tax cuts and the foreign wars and the heady spending of the feelgood Republican Earmark Era, there wasn't enough money to go around, not even close. We went from record surplus to record debt in record time. But nobody cared, at least not until the hurricanes came along and tore off the bullshit dome under which Americans have been living since 2001 to reveal that America is so financially strung out, we're only about two more tax cuts (or one tax cut and one natural disaster) away from having to blow China behind the dumpsters out back of the UN building just to keep them from repo'ing the State Department.

Cue the shiny objects.

So where do our trusty politicians urge us to focus our wrath? Low-hanging fruit like the billion a week we're spending in Iraq, or the mushrooming Defense and Homeland Security budgets, or corrupt legislation? No, no, no. To be successful in the ole misdirection play, you also need to skillfully execute another time-tested Republican strategy: vehemently argue that something is the opposite of what is actually is. In this case, it's not rampant, whole-scale giveaway of billions to the corporations and the special interests, it's the waste, fraud, and abuse of $25,000 earmarks and pork-barrel spending projects.

As I said, a telltale sign of Republican disingenue is when they overprotesteth. Now that everybody suddenly cares about how much money we don't have, the Republicans are covering their backs by pointing out random, disjointed bits and pieces of "excess spending" in the Energy and Transportation bills (that they rammed through). Haven't really heard any other thoughts on how they're going to solve the bugdet shortfalls, but I have heard about lots of things (the usual suspects: Iraq, Defense, tax cuts) that are absolutely off the table.

That's funny, cuz "when asked by a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll how they'd prefer to finance the (at least) $200 billion Katrina relief effort, only 6 percent [of Americans polled] proposed cutting domestic spending and just 15 percent supported increasing the deficit. A majority -- 54 percent -- chose 'cut spending for the war in Iraq.'" Hmm.

But just when you think you have them on the ropes, along comes clueless Gomer Press, about an election cycle late and a pair of testacles (or breasts) short, bumbling onto the scene with all the sensitivity and attention to detail of an LAPD homicide unit. Flopping around like Odie and sounding like Scooby-Dumb, the press inevitably steps right into a steaming pile of political bullshit and tracks it all over the real issue. In fact, the press is so predicatable, Karl Rove's entire political strategy is based upon using the press to manipulate and/or neutralize public opinion.

"Huh, uh what, what's going on here fellers?" Gomer P. babbles. The policitians, presented with an exit strategy, start hollering bloody murder about bloated spending projects like opulent $1500 wheelchair ramps or Caligulan $100,000 bikepaths. A bikepath damn their souls. How dare anyone in this country even think of building a bike path with taxpayer money before every possible tax break for chemical, drug, and energy companies has been completely exhausted. It's beyond irresponsible, it's treasonous. If the tragedy of 9/11 has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that if Exxon-Mobil doesn't increase net profits at least 20 percent quarter on quarter, the terrorists win.

Because, yeah, there are several bikepaths, and sidewalks, and museums that are funded in the Transportation bill, but there aren't that many of them and it takes a lot of $250,000 projects to add up to $286 billion. No, what I see a lot of in this bill (and check the list yourself) are roads. That's right, roads roads-roads roads ROADS. Shitloads and shitloads of roads for gasoline burning cars. Not much in there for light rail or mass transportation. Nope. Just shitloads of roads.

And whooaaaa Nellie, lookie here on page 20 of the report, line item number 406: $100,000,000 for "Planning, design, and construction of a bridge joining the island of Gravina to the community of Ketchikan." Yup, this is the infamous bridge to nowhere.

I don't care what other bullshit projects are in this bill, ditch the bridge to nowhere and you've just freed up $100 million for education or Medicare or Louisiana or even, perish the thought, public transportation. One might expect that the Press would have the same idea and start pushing for more information about this funny smelling bridge to nowhere. Nope. Seems the Press is willing to be deliciously puzzled by this endearing little example of political business as usual. No investigation, no Katrina-level outrage, just some impish grins, a few devil-may-care shoulder shrugs, and they'll leave it at that. Sometimes the world is just a kooky, goofy place.

The bridge to nowhere says everything that needs to be said about the corruption of the Republican party, the prostitution of the American political system, the degradation of the Press, and the complete abdication of all responsibility by the public. Sure there's some "pork" in these bills, and yes, this "pork" should be put to better use. But don't start busting balls over bikepaths and museums and guardrails. All the guardrails in the world don't add up to the waste, fraud, and abuse of one unnecessary bridge, not to mention the waste, fraud, and abuse of the no-bid contracts for Iraqi and Katrina reconstruction. As the old bumper sticker used to say, "It will be a perfect day when schools have all the money they need and the Air Force is forced to have a bake sale to buy a bomber."

Oh well, what's a few hundred billion dollars among friends of the Republican party.